G, the copywriter, is dead

Shit, defined

I wrote this dark poem during my internship in Shell, Oct 18, 2002 to be exact. I felt a mumbo-jumbo of frustrations for various reasons. A lot of it had to do with how people looked at me, or how I perceived that people look at me. There's this pressure to excel in a field I had no passion for. There's this expectation that people have of me, giving me shoes I couldn't possibly fill. There's this appalling disbelief at how lines were drawn to separate the 'holier-than-thou's from the rest of the 'body of Christ'. And to wrap all that up, there's this uncertainty of my future and despair that possibly, highly probably, I'd be stuck in this shit for the rest of my life.

Shit is a profound word

A word that tells a tale

A curse understood only by a handful

Whose lives seem meaningless

Yet they're forced to trudge

In this life they hate so much

Forced to loiter on Earth's countenance

Guided only by a faint glimmer of hope

Inspired only by thoughts

Of loved ones.

Shit is a void felt
When no one understands
Everyone looks at you
Like you’re something else
It hurts so bad when they’d rather
Believe in a fake you
It pressures when they expect
More than what you can give
It makes you mad when they try
To make you someone else
You’re fed up of living your life
Full of lies for someone else
Like a puppet on a string
Tugged to amuse the kids
Like a bonsai tree
Choked for beauty’s sake.

Shit is how I’d describe
The world for its injustice
Its contradicting views
And man-made laws
How the lowly views the highly
How the highly views the lowly
How differing races, religions
And even denominations
Put aside humanity, respect,
Unity and love
Allowing an invisible barrier
Between you and I.

Shit is an expression
Of anger and disillusion
Of an ancient wound
Unable to heal
Of erupting lava
After years of silence
Of pain and hopelessness
In a world full of glitter
Only because the glitter
Is never meant for you.

Shit is a life
Of unfulfilled dreams
Of wood uncarved
For lack of tools
Of forests unexplored
For lack of pioneers
Of a yearning so bad
For something you can never get
Of a passion that screams in silence
Never to be heard.

The Song

This song was written during one of the darkets moments in my life. Things seemed bleak, having gone from bad to worse. I felt so helpless that I couldn't stop the pain, the angst, and deteriorating situation. I loved them and had never stopped praying for that ray of light. Yet, on that day, it seemed like all hope was lost.

The walls, they seemed to laugh at me, scorn at me. Was all in vain? All those tears? All those quiet times? What was happening and what was going to happen? I couldn't comprehend it. Still, as I put pen to paper, and scribbled my pain into words, this song ended with a reassuring note of Hope.


When the curtain falls
And the hall is empty
D'you look in the mirror
And see someone else?

You can shrug it off
Or wear a mask
So no one can tell

Bridge I:
How you pain and you hurt
There's no one you can turn to
You try to be strong
But you're breaking down inside

Chorus:
Jesus, I can't take it no more
Lord help me heal this land
Jesus, only you understand me
Be my strength, Lord, or I'll fall apart

When you're all alone
And the voices get louder
Saying, "Give up, child, you're going nowhere.
He doesn't care and nothing's gonna change.
You're on your own."

Bridge II:
But I look to the skies
I believe in His promises
I'll wait and I'll pray
Till His hand moves the mountain

Repeat Chorus

myWallpaper 1

Created during the wait for a break :(

A storm is brewing...

It's been so long...

People don't write, do they?

~Waiting for your return, ladyG~

Too much caffein, Too little sugar, baby - Oct 19, 2005

There I go again, wishin' I was someplace else.

This is really getting to me -I'm losing it, I know. Everyday is a drag day to me. Bought a couple of CDs, .. a pair of bangles... a really humorous book.. and even straightened my hair.. but I'm still not happy. Ah well, not entirely, that is. They're like drugs -they make you euphoric but only for the moment.

There's this nagging feeling that you're just not you. You just want to breakaway and be someone else. You're not satisfied with your normal day-to-day. You want more than this.. surely there's more to life than this?? And suddenly now, I'm not satisfied knowing that this is perfectly normal for everyone else.

2 doses of coffee to drown away my depression, 2 chapters of "Further Under the Duvet" to amuse myself, and now, I think my mood's slowly picking up. All this caffein and stress ain't doin' me good. I feel a gastric coming. I have the symptoms -wind in my tummy, wind out of my tummy, and feeling eternally hungry.

Ah well.. back to the drag world now. *Poof*

Why Do We Hang Out?

Why do you hang out? Why do we prefer to hang out with certain friends and not with other friends? When do acquaintances become friends, and when do friends become acquaintances?

My answers to these questions led me to discover why I am the way I am now, and I cannot be the Champ of the Hangin’ Out-ers.

Confused? Ah, let’s keep it that way then. Here are my thoughts on the possibilities:

Why you want to hang out with him/her

1. You like him/her.
2. You are comfortable with him/her.
3. You've been lifelong friends and you enjoy reliving past moments with someone who's shared the experience with you.
4. You need someone to listen to your whims.
5. You are lonely.
6. You are simply doing 'your job' of hangin’ out.
7. You have ulterior motives.
8. You want to know the other person better –at least, before you find out if you like or don’t like him/her.
9. You have the free time and you just want to hang out with someone.
10. You are desperate and on the look-out (read "prowl").

Why you don’t want to hang out with him/her

1. He/She irritates you.
2. He/She has hurt you before.
3. He/She nags/babies you.
4. He/She preaches or lectures you when you don’t need it.
5. You are suspicious of his/her intentions of hangin’ out with you.
6. You don’t want him/her to get up-close and personal with you.
7. You have nothing in common to talk about –at least, in your opinion.
8. You just need time alone.
9. You’re an introvert and are not comfortable with the socially-apt extroverts.
10. You are tired and talking drains out more energy from your already haggard self.
11. Language barrier –this is the ultimatum.

So then, which is your reason?

Screwed

SCREWED. We all are...

Yep, that's how we feel, when things go shitty and, worse, beyond our control.

Customer: How come you sell shitty products?

Sales: Whoah, don't look at me, I didn't create the thing. Ask marketing!

Marketing: See? I knew this was coming even before the thing got out. But what are we to do? We pushed for better specs, but the R&D folks aren't exactly cooperative. Sue them!

R&D: Well, we told you we needed more time, you big-time bullies! Eat it (shit) alone!

Marketing: <>

See? All in a day's work.

All Lies, All These While

I have always believed that one day I will be able to use where I am as a stepping stone to get into the world of ad agencies.

I have always thought that something greater awaits me, over there, beyond yonder hills.

I used to say to myself, that I would do anything, ANYTHING for Ogilvy's brood of firms, if I ever got the chance to work for them.

Surely there are territories out there that are simply lying in wait, that only I can conquer! Surely...

Alas! It is time to face life's cold reality. Truth hits you with a phang. Truth shackles you to risks and figures. Truth laughs in your face and shatters the dream you've been holding on to all these years. Truth is no friend of mine.

In time, I will forget the pain. In time, I will move on. But until then, the angst smolders from within. And there is nothing much that I can do about it.

Light vs Darkness

Are we united via worldwide paradox?

Ever smirked at a disheveled bloke with bright studs? Or shot that disapproving leer when a heavily tattooed creature emerges through that door? Or even edged slightly-yet somewhat uncomfortably-away when the dude next to you hasn’t got a color matched to your skin tone? Who’s the bad guy now?

Many times we judge a book by its cover. We think all sharp-suited, angelic looking beings are favored bearers of the light. Anything that doesn’t look anything like the ‘bearers of light’ is the ‘lost crowd’. We teach our children to be careful of these ‘bad’ guys: they steal, kill and destroy.

Our children get confused. Their ‘light-bearer’ mates cared only for themselves, even to the point of ass-kissing just to go up the career ladder. To make matters worse, their social lives revolve around strict rules and goals, abiding by which reaps points for the afterlife. Our children aren’t comfortable with these kids because they’re so fake for “who can tell who your real friends are?” And yet we tell our children, “Stay away from friends of the 'dark side'."—yet those very beings are ones who stand by them through thick and thin, rain and shine.

Light or Darkness: Who is which?

Me Today: Some Beginning

Days turn to nights in the blink of an eye...

It's the same every day and night that you just feel so sick of how the air tastes so stale. I must have misplaced life. I must have turned the wrong corner. I must have stumbled on a stray rock. ... or haven't I?

People say God lets things happen for a reason. If that's the case, today, I'm still not sure what the reasons are.

Questions after questions, all unanswered yet again, tonight.