May 3, 2008

Shit, defined

I wrote this dark poem during my internship in Shell, Oct 18, 2002 to be exact. I felt a mumbo-jumbo of frustrations for various reasons. A lot of it had to do with how people looked at me, or how I perceived that people look at me. There's this pressure to excel in a field I had no passion for. There's this expectation that people have of me, giving me shoes I couldn't possibly fill. There's this appalling disbelief at how lines were drawn to separate the 'holier-than-thou's from the rest of the 'body of Christ'. And to wrap all that up, there's this uncertainty of my future and despair that possibly, highly probably, I'd be stuck in this shit for the rest of my life.
Shit is a profound word
A word that tells a tale
A curse understood only by a handful
Whose lives seem meaningless
Yet they're forced to trudge
In this life they hate so much
Forced to loiter on Earth's countenance
Guided only by a faint glimmer of hope
Inspired only by thoughts
Of loved ones.
Shit is a void felt
When no one understands
Everyone looks at you
Like you’re something else
It hurts so bad when they’d rather
Believe in a fake you
It pressures when they expect
More than what you can give
It makes you mad when they try
To make you someone else
You’re fed up of living your life
Full of lies for someone else
Like a puppet on a string
Tugged to amuse the kids
Like a bonsai tree
Choked for beauty’s sake.
Shit is how I’d describe
The world for its injustice
Its contradicting views
And man-made laws
How the lowly views the highly
How the highly views the lowly
How differing races, religions
And even denominations
Put aside humanity, respect,
Unity and love
Allowing an invisible barrier
Between you and I.
Shit is an expression
Of anger and disillusion
Of an ancient wound
Unable to heal
Of erupting lava
After years of silence
Of pain and hopelessness
In a world full of glitter
Only because the glitter
Is never meant for you.

Shit is a life
Of unfulfilled dreams
Of wood uncarved
For lack of tools
Of forests unexplored
For lack of pioneers
Of a yearning so bad
For something you can never get
Of a passion that screams in silence
Never to be heard.

The Song

This song was written during one of the darkets moments in my life. Things seemed bleak, having gone from bad to worse. I felt so helpless that I couldn't stop the pain, the angst, and deteriorating situation. I loved them and had never stopped praying for that ray of light. Yet, on that day, it seemed like all hope was lost.
The walls, they seemed to laugh at me, scorn at me. Was all in vain? All those tears? All those quiet times? What was happening and what was going to happen? I couldn't comprehend it. Still, as I put pen to paper, and scribbled my pain into words, this song ended with a reassuring note of Hope.

When the curtain falls
And the hall is empty
D'you look in the mirror
And see someone else?

You can shrug it off
Or wear a mask
So no one can tell

Bridge I:

How you pain and you hurt
There's no one you can turn to
You try to be strong
But you're breaking down inside


Jesus, I can't take it no more
Lord help me heal this land
Jesus, only you understand me
Be my strength, Lord, or I'll fall apart

When you're all alone
And the voices get louder
Saying, "Give up, child, you're going nowhere.
He doesn't care and nothing's gonna change.
You're on your own."

Bridge II:

But I look to the skies
I believe in His promises
I'll wait and I'll pray
Till His hand moves the mountain

Repeat Chorus